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Steph Brown Adventures No. 14

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The Further Awesome Adventures of the Unsinkable Stephanie Brown #14

Small Potatoes!


PAGE ONE: Four panels. “POOT” appears in large letters over the top left corner of page as a lead-in to panel one.


PANEL ONE: Spoiler in full costume is swinging through a meat-processing factory setting on a zip line. There is a line of meat hooks descending from an overhead conveyor.  Carcasses of cows hang from the line of hooks. The line of hanging carcasses ends near a large funnel-shaped metal vat at floor level that feeds into a large machine. There is a crystal skull set out on a table next to the vat.

CAPTION: Gotham Industrial Meatpacking Plant.

SPOILER: PETA would have a cow if they saw this place!


PANEL TWO: Spoiler’s gloved hand reaches for the crystal skull on the table.

SPOILER: This seems way too eas...


PANEL THREE: Spoiler’s limbs are flying out in all directions as she is struck from behind by a large multi-colored sausage wielded like a blackjack by the white-gloved hand of an unseen perpetrator. “THUNK!”

SPOILER: Ungh!


PANEL FOUR: Spoiler has crumpled to the floor between vat and table with crystal skull. Spoiler lies there in a sprawl at the feet of a pair of purple pinstripe trousers as white-gloved hands place the sausage weapon and a smartphone on the table by the crystal skull. The smartphone is being set there as if to film a demonstration by the perpetrator.

PERP: Lo, Batman? How’s junior?


******


PAGE TWO: Five panels.


PANEL ONE: The perpetrator is revealed to be the Joker as we get a close-up of his ghastly smile as it might appear on the transmission of the phone on the table.

JOKER: Marvelous! Why am I calling? Well I do so love the immediacy of vid phone taunting.


PANEL TWO: The Joker has lifted Spoiler up by the hair so her face is just below his. The Joker is making a sad face as he pulls the mask off the unconscious face of Spoiler to reveal Steph.

JOKER: A lost lamb wandered into the Grindhouse...


PANEL THREE: The Joker is licking the red lips of his grotesque smile. He has turned Steph’s face from the viewer and pushed it down toward his crotch.

JOKER: And we’re going to play hide the sausage!


PANEL FOUR: The Joker is making an expression of mock shock, his mouth an o-shape, his brows raised.

JOKER: No ho ho, get your dirty little bat brain out of that gauche Gotham gutter!


PANEL FIVE: The Joker is now beginning to strip the Spoiler costume from Steph’s shoulders as her limp body dangles by the hair from his hand. Behind him the carcass of a cow is dropping into the vat. “WHRRR!!”

JOKER: I mean to hide the body in the sausage...


******


PAGE THREE: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: The Joker is tossing the purple bodysuit into the vat with one hand as he holds up Steph by the other. We can see at least enough to see that she is now in simple lavender bra and panties. The Joker is holding her obscenely so that her back is bowed and breasts seem about to spill out of their cups.

JOKER: Oohoo, would you look at that...”


PANEL TWO: The Joker now wears Steph’s bra on his head. He has turned her upside down and loaded her headfirst into the vat so that we can only see her backside from the waist down. One gloved hand is pulling lavender panties past her knees towards her ankles as the other gloved hand swats her bare bottom. “SMACKKK!!!”

JOKER: Add a scrumptious plump rump roast!


PANEL THREE: The Joker is tucking the lavender panties into the pocket of his purple jacket like a handkerchief.

JOKER: Small potatoes you say? Perhaps, still so begins the delicious end of the Bat family.


PANEL FOUR: Joker is walking along beside the large machine into which he fed Steph’s unconscious body, talking to the phone in his gloved hand. Printed on the side of the machine are the letters, “GIMP.”

JOKER: By the time you can get here the babysitter’s body will have been cleaned, cooked and ground into mincemeat...


PANEL FIVE: The Joker is smirking, his eyes narrowed cruelly.

JOKER: You might call this machine the purple people eater... no body, no evidence...


PANEL SIX: The Joker is winking.

JOKER: Your only link to the crime something I like to call... ah yes, here it comes...


******


PAGE FOUR: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: The Joker is holding up a link of purplish sausage and laughing maniacally.

JOKER: Spoilage! Tehehahoohehehe...


PANEL TWO: Steph’s scowling face appears behind the Joker’s surprised face, his eyes wide.

STEPH: Well you sure spoiled my new costume...

JOKER: Heh.


PANEL THREE: A naked Steph, strategically drawn so no naughty bits are visible, is high kicking the Joker, sending him spinning to the floor. “KERTHWAP!!”

STEPH: But that’s no reason to call me a “nobody”... all evidence to the contrary!


PANEL FOUR: This is a close-up of Steph holding a purple sausage as if it were a microphone and speaking into it like an on-scene news reporter.

STEPH: Crossover event spoiled. Family crisis averted. Feel free to resume Fathering 101 activities, dear viewer.


PANEL FIVE: Steph, back in lavender bra and panties, is turning the Joker over to a couple of uniformed policeman as Detective Gage leers at her. The Joker is complaining to the policemen.

CAPTION: Minutes later.

JOKER: She just doesn’t get how dark edgy batcrap crazy cool I am!


PANEL SIX: Steph has the crystal skull in her hands as Detective Gage puts his jacket around her shoulders. She is peeking over her shoulder at the Joker as he is led away by the uniformed policemen.

STEPH: There’s nothing cool about being a craptastic psychopath!


TITLE: Steph Brown in "Small Potatoes!"

CREDITS


******


PAGE FIVE: Four panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph is sitting across the desk from Professor Paine in the professor’s office. The crystal skull is sitting on the desktop between them. Steph is wearing purple sweatshirt and jeans and is gesturing with her hands as she speaks. Professor Paine is wearing glasses and nodding.

CAPTION: Soon. Gotham U.

STEPH: ...fortunately the pressure-washing unit of the grinder brought me around or my goose would have been cooked!

PAINE: And the twelfth skull wouldn’t be sitting here on my desk.


PANEL TWO: Steph scowls and raises a brow as the professor gives her the over-the-glasses look.

STEPH: Your concern for my wellbeing is touching, Professor.

PAINE: I am concerned with the fate of the world, Brown.


PANEL THREE: Steph is shrugging. Professor Paine has a frustrated expression as she removes her glasses and sets them on the desk next to the skull.

STEPH: So where do I go for the final skull?

PAINE: Oddly, even with all the other skulls in my possession I have been unable to determine the location of the thirteenth skull.


PANEL FOUR: Steph is smiling in true Pollyanna fashion. Professor Paine has lips pursed and huge fists clenched. A hooded head is faintly visible in the glasses on the desktop.

STEPH: Well at least if we have twelve of them no one can bring them all together to cause a cataclysmic event...

PAINE: But I must have all thirteen!


******


PAGE SIX: Four panels.


PANEL ONE: Professor Paine has eyes narrowed as she scowls at Steph.

PAINE: Perhaps this Flamebrain character you’ve repeatedly allowed to escape is the thirteenth, Brown.


PANEL TWO: Steph is smirking and making a dismissive hand gesture.

STEPH: Teufelkopf? I’m pretty sure he’s just a red ‘herr’ing...


PANEL THREE: Professor Paine is putting her glasses back on, hiding her eyes.

PAINE: In that case I’m sending you to Rapa Nui.

STEPH: Wrap-a-who-he?


PANEL FOUR: Professor Paine has a hand to her face as she winces. Steph is picking up her purple duffle as she gets up from the chair.

PAINE: Easter Island, Brown. A huge stone carving recently excavated there might hold some clues.

STEPH: Don’t tell me... it’s one impressive ‘skull’pture!

PAINE: Sigh. Please, Brown. Just go.


******


PAGE SEVEN: Four panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph, dressed in lavender panties and loose-fitting purple sweatshirt is packing the purple duffle with clothes while Joe, dressed in only blue boxers polka dotted with yellow smiley faces, watches.

CAPTION: Later. Home.

STEPH: Yes, I leave tomorrow. Skull thirteen seems to be missing but Paine thinks I might find a clue on Easter Island.

JOE: Tal vez.


PANEL TWO: Joe nods as Steph sets the duffle by the door.

STEPH: It looks like this trip is going to be purely academic so I guess I go it alone.


PANEL THREE: Steph has turned to Joe and he is running a hand through her blond hair. We see not only a couple of the animal tattoos on his arm but the prominent sunburst tattoo on his shoulder.

JOE: Steph warm... like sunshine.

STEPH: Alone sorta scares me you know... I mean I met you on my very first adventure and I’ve made great new friends on every trip!


PANEL FOUR: Steph is shrugging even as Joe smiles wryly.

JOE: Friends bueno.

STEPH: Without you... without all these amazing people... I’m just a girl pretending to be a hero... one who gets tangled up in her own zip-line.


******


PAGE EIGHT: Four panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph has a troubled expression and Joe is shaking his head.

STEPH: The Zombat said something that still bothers me... that Barbara was better... I know he was right... but I just feel like I have to try...

JOE: Steph stop Zombat. Save Barbara.


PANEL TWO: Steph seems to be shrugging as Joe grips her firmly by the shoulders.

STEPH: Maybe I just got lucky.

JOE: Suerte? No. Steph no stop trying.


PANEL THREE: Joe is looking down at Steph as he lifts the purple sweatshirt off over her head.

STEPH: I’m just so afraid of letting everybody down.

JOE: Steph never let Joe down.


PANEL FOUR: Joe has picked Steph up into his arms. They are embracing tightly as he carries her toward the bed.

STEPH: Mmhhmm...


******


PAGE NINE: Five panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph sits in the mouth of a massive carved-stone skull. She is wearing a purple sweatshirt, khaki shorts and lavender crosstrainers. She is leaning against her purple duffle appearing tired and frustrated.

CAPTION: Three days later. Easter Island.

STEPH: Well I sure don’t see any crystal skulls!


PANEL TWO: A Polynesian woman (Aku) wearing only a skimpy sarong and covered with tattoos reminiscent of those of Joe and Taz now sits next to Steph.

AKU: Are you the firebird girl?


PANEL THREE: A blinking Steph appears extremely startled as if she had no idea the woman was there.

STEPH: Yikes! Where did you come from?

AKU: Inside.


PANEL FOUR: Steph has gathered herself and is nodding although her expression is still rather skeptical.

STEPH: Err, right. I’m Steph.

AKU: Aku.

STEPH: Ahh... who?


PANEL FIVE: Aku is smirking playfully at the scowling Steph.

AKU: The devil is in the details.

STEPH: Excuse me?

AKU: I can make quips too you know.

STEPH: My quips are bravado to mask my fear. What’s your excuse?


******


PAGE TEN: Five panels.


PANEL ONE: Aku is making a broad sweeping gesture with one hand as Steph blinks.

AKU: The crystal skull you seek is not here.

STEPH: Obviously. In fact, according to my professor, it doesn’t seem to be anywhere.


PANEL TWO: Aku has put up a finger like a professor making a point as Steph narrows eyes at her.

AKU: Perhaps you need to explore when as well as where?

STEPH: What?


PANEL THREE: Aku is offering Steph some purple flowers.

AKU: You’ll need these nightshade blooms. Eat some when you enter the mists surrounding Machu Picchu.

STEPH: Thanks, but they look poisonous...


PANEL FOUR: Aku appears to be patting Steph’s hand as she takes the flowers.

AKU: Trust... only those who have tasted purple may pass.

STEPH: But I don’t even know you!

AKU: You should. Oh, and grab me a potato!

STEPH: Do what? But...


PANEL FIVE: Steph is looking around wide-eyed as she puts the flowers inside her purple duffle. The woman is gone.

STEPH: Where’d she go?


******


PAGE ELEVEN: Three panels. One large panel over two smaller panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph, wearing a purple sweatshirt, khaki shorts and lavender crosstrainers, and carrying the purple duffle over her shoulder stands at the edge of a rope bridge across a chasm from which a thick mist is billowing upwards.

CAPTION: Two days later. High above the Urubamba River.

STEPH: Here goes...


PANEL TWO: Steph is putting one of the purple flowers in her mouth and making a face.

STEPH: Eww... bitter!


PANEL THREE: Steph is crossing the rope bridge and disappearing into the billowing mist.

STEPH: Brrrr, cold as crap too!


******


PAGE TWELVE: Splash page. Steph is coming off the bridge and out of the mists into bright sunshine. Seen from behind here she is now completely naked although partially obscured by mist. Neither her clothes nor her duffle have come through the mists of time with her. Beyond her can be seen Incas working terraced fields of crops. The wall of a stone city can be seen on the slope in the background. These are not ruins. They are in excellent repair. The closest native is a boy of Damien Wayne’s age who has a wooden pole across his shoulders with a ceramic bucket hanging on either end. A huge condor is wheeling in the distance above the city. (Steph will be naked for the rest of this issue. It should be understood that panels would be drawn in such a way as to keep her most intimate bits from ever being visible even if I don’t always address that directly in the descriptions.)

STEPH: Ohmygawd! Machu Picchu, secret city of the Incas! As it was some five hundred years a... go... and apparently still is?


******


PAGE THIRTEEN: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph is seen from the shoulders up. She has a perplexed expression on her face.

STEPH: What are you staring at?


PANEL TWO: The native boy of Damian’s age is standing there in the field of what look like potato plants. The boy is wearing a loincloth and he has a sunburst tattoo on his shoulder. He is carrying a wooden pole across his shoulders with a ceramic bucket of water hanging from either end. He is gaping in utter amazement.


PANEL THREE: Steph is again seen from the shoulders up. She is looking down and blinking.

STEPH: Oh crap.


PANEL FOUR: Steph is visible from head to toe. She has knees pressed together and is covering her sex with one hand while the other forearm covers her breasts. Her mouth is now an o-shaped expression of surprise.

STEPH: Aku wasn’t kidding about this being a purple passage…


PANEL FIVE: The native boy is now smirking a bit and there is an ominous shadow in the shape of a huge bird appearing on the ground around him.


PANEL SIX: Steph is once more seen from the shoulders up. She is gasping as if in terror and instinctively reaching out with a hand.

STEPH: Lookout!


******


PAGE FOURTEEN: Three panels. One half-page panel over two panels side by side.


PANEL ONE: Side view is of Steph shoulder tackling the gasping boy away from the talons of a giant condor with a wing span of over twenty feet. The wooden pole is coming off the boy’s shoulders. The talons of the condor are shattering one ceramic bucket. The other bucket is flipping in the air. “KRRRSPLASH!”

BOY: Ungh!


PANEL TWO: Steph is lying on top of the boy, her naked body pressed to his. The bucket that was flipping in the air has come down over Steph’s head like a blinding hood and water from it is spilling down over her shoulders.

STEPH: Gurk... sputter!


PANEL THREE: Steph is still lying atop the boy. She has lifted the bucket off her head. Her hair is plastered to her grimacing face. The boy is gaping as he looks upwards and points past her shoulder. They are surrounded by the shadow of the descending condor again.

STEPH: What are you... oh...


******


PAGE FIFTEEN: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph is whipping the bucket behind and above her with a sweeping backhand as she sits up. This bucket is shattering like the first, but the blow seems to be diverting the talons away once more. “SSSMASH!”

STEPH: Crap bird!


PANEL TWO: Steph scrambles off the shocked boy toward the wooden pole lying on the ground nearby.

STEPH: Stay down!


PANEL THREE: Seen from behind, Steph has come to her feet and is wielding the wooden pole like a staff to block the talons of the condor from the cringing boy. The talons are scarring the wood, little splintered pieces flying. “SKRRRITCH!!”


PANEL FOUR: Steph has spun the pole around to fend off the talons as the condor attacks her. She is gasping as the talons shatter the pole into two pieces. “SKRRRAKKK!!!”


PANEL FIVE: Steph is deflecting the talons aside with the piece of pole remaining in one hand while stepping in close to deliver a blow to the head of the creature with the piece of pole in her other hand. “BONK!”

STEPH: Get lost!


PANEL SIX: Seen from behind, Steph stands defiantly, her makeshift weapons gripped tightly and at the ready. The boy is staring up at her in amazement. The prehistoric condor seems to have had enough and is flying away. “HISSSS!!!”

STEPH: That’s right! Fly away you Lost World reject!


******


PAGE SIXTEEN: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: An angry Incan priest wearing ornate brass armor is pointing at Steph as she crouches in a ready pose with broken sticks in her hands.

STEPH: He doesn’t look happy...


PANEL TWO: Steph and the native boy are running. Bolas are wrapping around Steph’s legs and she falling, flailing arms losing hold of her weapons, perhaps hiding her breasts from view.

STEPH: Eep!


PANEL THREE: Steph has fallen on her front between rows of potato plants. She is looking up apprehensively as spears surround her head.

STEPH: Crap.


PANEL FOUR: A frantic Steph is grasping a potato plant in each hand and pulling them up as if trying to hold on to something to keep the warriors from dragging her away. The tubers being pulled up are purplish.

STEPH: Nooooo...


PANEL FIVE: The warriors are carrying a flailing Steph away past watching field workers. The native boy is peering out from between two of the workers. Steph still clutches a potato plant in one hand, but is dropping the other one.

STEPH: Whoaooo...


PANEL SIX: The warriors are carrying the flailing Steph into the stone city. There are fountains and more curious onlookers. The native boy is there among them watching from the shadows.

STEPH: Oooooah...


******


PAGE SEVENTEEN: Three panels. One large panel above two smaller panels side by side.


PANEL ONE: Steph has been bound spread eagle to a stone slab. Steph still clutches a purple potato in one hand. A robed skeleton with ornate wings like the condor sits on a throne as if presiding. It wears a gold orb on a chain around its neck and a space helmet that appears to be a stylized version of a condor head. The stone walls of the temple are covered with drawings of flying saucers coming out of the sun. A number of Incan warriors and nobles have gathered inside the chamber to watch.

CAPTION: Temple of the Sun.


PANEL TWO: The Incan priest is reverently taking the helmet off the skeleton revealing it has a crystal skull head.  Steph watches apprehensively as does the native boy now peering out from under the robes between the legs of the skeleton.


PANEL THREE: The Incan priest has put the helmet on his own head and is raising both arms toward the skeleton with the crystal skull. He is seemingly beseeching it as if it were a diety.

PRIEST: Inti!


******


PAGE EIGHTEEN: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: A beam of sunlight is coming down into the crystal skull from above and a golden laser-like beam is shooting out of the gold orb to a point between Steph’s feet. It appears to be etching a red line in the stone slab to which she is bound. It appears to be moving upwards between Steph’s legs. Steph is looking down with a worried expression and blinking.

STEPH: You expect me to talk?


PANEL TWO: The Incan priest is now pointing at Steph and yelling. Steph’s eyes have widened as she looks down toward the advancing laser.

PRIEST: Warmi wañuy!


PANEL THREE: Steph is scowling at the priest.

STEPH: I’ll take that as a “No, I expect you to die, Miss Brown...”


PANEL FOUR: Steph is wrist flicking the potato still in her hand at the stern priest.

STEPH: It wouldn’t kill you to laugh!


PANEL FIVE: The thrown potato is hitting the priest on the helmet, knocking it askew. “BONK!”


PANEL SIX: The whole temple seems to be shaking as if from an earthquake and the watching Incas appear shaken as well. The gold laser has veered off sideways and Steph is jerking her foot away from the severed smoking rope that bound it. “RRRUMBLE!”

STEPH: Yikes!


******


PAGE NINETEEN: Six panels.


PANEL ONE: Steph is untying one of her wrists with her teeth.

STEPH: Mmmmph... got it!


PANEL TWO: The native boy is gesturing to her from between the legs of the skeleton. Everything is still shaking and a few bits of stone are falling.

BOY: Psst... Aku... Aku...


PANEL THREE: Steph is knocking the priest off his feet with one punch.

STEPH: My punch lines are knockouts!


PANEL FOUR: Steph is snatching up the crystal skull and the native boy is putting the gold orb on the chain around his neck as he pokes Steph on the thigh.

STEPH: Lead the way!


PANEL FIVE: The native boy is leading and Steph following as they crawl through a narrow stone tunnel or drain of some sort under the throne.

STEPH: Aku?

BOY: Aku Illapa.


PANEL SIX: Steph and the boy stand outside an opening in the city wall leading into the terraced fields of earlier. The enthralled native boy is stroking Steph’s blond hair as a ray of sun plays off that hair into the skull in her hands. The sunburst tattoo on the boy’s shoulder is glowing. Steph is pointing to her own chest with her free hand.

STEPH: Steph.


******


PAGE TWENTY: Five panels.


PANEL ONE: The grinning boy who appears to be poking Steph’s breast and she is giving hima terse look as she points at his chest instead.

BOY: Stuff?

STEPH: No, no. Steph! You are?


PANEL TWO: Both Steph and the boy are gasping as a spear embeds itself in the ground between their feet.

STEPH: Yikes!


PANEL THREE: Steph, crystal skull in her left hand, has grabbed the boy’s hand in her right and they are running across the fields as spears fly all around them.

STEPH: Run!


PANEL FOUR: Steph and the boy as well as a number of spears are disappearing into the mists as they cross the rope bridge.

STEPH: Maybe we can lose them in the...


PANEL FIVE: Steph has come out of the mist into the sun. She is still naked and has the crystal skull in her hand. She is staring forlornly back into the fog. The boy is nowhere to be seen, but her purple duffle bag lies on the ground at her feet.

STEPH: Fog?

CAPTION: Next issue: The Dare Debs defend Gotham against Chupacabrageddon!


******
Next: Issue #15 "Chupacabrageddon!" - [link]

For more Steph Adventures go to:

[link]

This is a fan fiction exercise in comic strip writing. Former Spoiler/Robin/Batgirl Stephanie Brown as well as The Joker are property of DC Comics. Other characters like Joe and Professor Paine are my creations.

In this issue Steph gets to have an issue pretty much to herself before we move into the big finale of the last two issues.

Let me know what you think. Hope you get a kick out of it!
© 2012 - 2024 Chickfighter
Comments7
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erosarts's avatar
Whoa. That 20-page pace just kills me. I think you're doing a good job with it, but man, what I wouldn't give for more transitions.