Current Residence: Empire City
Favourite genre of music: Classic rock and assorted alternatives
Favourite style of art: vintage comicbook
Favourite cartoon character: Stephanie Brown
Personal Quote: One of the perks of being a superheroine is getting to play dress-up every day.
I don’t usually engage in this sort of thing but I need to attempt to revise the plot of Star Wars: The Last Jedi into something that makes some sense and contains actual character growth. Yes, the existing version is so bad I feel compelled to do this. Assume that the really bad self-parody jokes are removed as well.
The Porgs eat Chewy and find him to be just that. I’m kidding.
Okay, here we go. Spoilers of a sort.
Space crawl leads into Po leading a daring attack on New Order Forces. This could go somewhat as it did in the existing movie except that the New Order General is not made to look like an idiot. Also I question the logic of using "bombers" in the zero gravity of space, but that's a minor detail in terms of Star Wars physics. A brave young woman DOES manage to make the seemingly doomed attack succeed much as did Rose’s sister in the existing movie, possibly having used the force to reach a remote control. That sequence at least was a nice set piece. Po rescues this injured woman from the wreckage somehow. Once the rebels jump away from this engagement, Leia reprimands Po. Finn awakens in sick bay next to the injured young woman and they exchange stories. Essentially this brave young woman replaces Rose for the rest of the movie. Call her Thorn.
Title sequence runs as we pan around the island of porgs and follow Rey up the stairs.
Jump to where The Force Awakens left off, Rey presenting Luke with the lightsabre. Luke tosses the lightsabre over his shoulder and dismisses Rey. Rey persists, at one point seeing the shape of an X-wing in the water. So Luke curmudgeonly begins giving Rey tasks she cannot manage like milking sea cows and fishing. The porg taunt Rey because they can do the very things she can’t. Rey is discouraged. Chewy rescues one of the porg from a sea creature that vaguely resembles Snoke. Chewy and the porg bond. The porg see Chewy trying to encourage the disconsolate Rey so the porg help Rey with her fishing. Rey presents Luke with a fish. Luke relents and starts to give her lessons. Rey begins to make progress. Insert obligatory difficult training montage. Keep the existing Rey/Kylo force (skype) connection in the story. Luke interrupts their connection at one point as the finger sex gets too intense and argues with Rey about her belief that she can turn Kylo back to the light. She stomps off and Luke just shakes his head. Yoda force ghost appears beside Luke. “Young once were you and headstrong too.”
Rey has an encounter with seething tentacles that drag her into a cave full of mirrors. The tentacles take her before a mirror, strangling her as they do. She meets her own terrified eyes in the mirror. “What did you expect, child?” Rey’s reflected face changes into one resembling Kylo even as Snoke strangles him from behind. Rey screams “no” and kicks the mirror, shattering it. The tentacles as well as the reflection are gone. She runs from the cave.
Luke is shown restlessly asleep in his hut as if dreaming. Flashback to what created Kylo Ren's turn to the dark side. This is completely different from existing movie. Luke senses darkness growing in Kylo and so refuses to continue teaching him. Kylo leaves the Jedi academy in a rage. After Kylo runs away Luke leaves the school long enough to let Leia know what happened. Luke hopes that Leia, being Kylo’s mother, can yet find Kylo and redeem him before it is too late. But when Luke returns the school has already been destroyed, the last dying pupil telling Luke that the only survivors were those who chose to follow Kylo as the Knights of Ren. Luke sinks to his knees in the flashback.
Luke awakens from the nightmare and rushes off to find Rey only to discover from Chewy that she has already gone. Luke looks upwards or into the distance. The Millennium Falcon is being tractor beamed into the command ship of the The New Order even as they attack the rebel fleet. Leia dies as the bridge of her rebel ship is blown up. Luke closes his eyes, falls to his knees and the Jedi tree spontaneously combusts.
Meanwhile Admiral Ackbar takes command. No General Purple Hair. No Rose. No slow speed chase. The Rose and Finn subplot never happens. Instead Po/Finn/Thorn plot to save the rebels by the three of them doing a hyperspace jump suicide mission with three X-wings. Finn, inspired by Thorn’s bravery, decides to do this by himself. Thorn is enraged when she realizes Finn has left them behind, but Po holds her back from rushing to another fighter. “It’s too late. Finn made his decision so we could fight on.” Thorn’s eyes narrow and Po’s sidearm pops from his holster to her hand as if by power of the force. “And so we shall,” Thorn declares.
The excellent existing set piece of Snoke/Rey/Kylo is the climax of the movie and remains much the same. Rey is tossed around by Snoke. Snoke remarks that she is potentially stronger than Kylo, that while the force is strong with Skywalkers, it is even stronger with Kenobis. While Snoke is distracted with Rey Kylo murders Snoke by activating the lightsabre at Snoke’s side. Rey and Kylo battle Snoke’s guards together even as Finn’s suicide attack wreaks havoc on the New Order fleet. Finally Kylo suggests to Rey they rule the galaxy together and offers his hand. “Together we can rule both day and night.” Rey nods and takes Kylo’s hand.
Fade to black and run credits.
Post credits scene pans from charred remains of the Jedi tree to Luke raising his X-wing from the ocean waves.
Runtime no more than 111 minutes. No unnecessary subplots. No ideological agenda. Both old and new characters respected. Porg marketing concession still created. With Rey and Kylo together the dynamics have changed. Lots of opportunity to move forward in new exciting ways. Will the young lovers crush the remaining rebel alliance? Will they turn on each other at some point? Can Po and Thorn stand against them? What will Luke do? The title even makes sense now. Mission accomplished. It’s not that hard!
Let me know what you think. This is what happens when you have enough time to obsess about something like this.